Narcissists & Their Relationships (Part II) by Rokelle Lerner

The Many Faces of Narcissists
Narcissists must have a constant supply of admiration and attention. In this article, I'll examine two general types of narcissists that utilize different methods to obtain this supply. I want to remind the reader that narcissism is caused by emotional and developmental trauma in childhood and their inner world is typically empty and bleak.

Cerebral Narcissists
Cerebral narcissists will try to impress others by their erudite knowledge and command of the language, which is employed not just to impress, but also to obliterate anyone who stands in their way. The body and its maintenance are a burden and a distraction. For example, this man or woman often prefers celibacy (even if he or she has a spouse).

Arrogance is the most obvious quality of this narcissist, and ruthless ambition is most apparent as they climb to the top. The cerebral narcissist is convinced that he or she is unique and should only associate with other special or high-status individuals. In fact, when accused of making mistakes, you can bet that their reaction will be explosive and malicious.

There is a profound lack of empathy for others, and contempt is shown for inferiors, who are barely recognized as human. Decisions are made without thought to the consequences for those affected. When this narcissist experiences a loss of admiration he/she will become emotionally abusive. His or her verbal acuity is such that no one stands a chance at combating an assault by a cerebral narcissist.

Although this description is hardly flattering, such a person can be charming and have qualities widely admired in our society. Intelligence, status, and power attract attention. There can be the 'appearance' of a genuine sense of benevolence towards others--though mostly in manipulative and patronizing ways.


Somatic Narcissists
A somatic narcissist uses her/his body, looks, and sexuality to romance, charm, and seduce. She is seductive and obsessive-compulsive when it comes to her body. They often think they look younger than they are; a youthful appearance is the primary source feeding their false self. Some somatic narcissists will emphasize their pride in their youthful looks by either dressing in clothes that were popular in their golden youth or wearing the styles of people much younger then they. (Ashmun 2004) Imagine the pressure of living with this self-absorbed narcissist, where a "bad hair day" might mean the demise of a relationship!

Somatic narcissists have no qualms about sharing the vivid details of their sex life, their divorce, their therapy discussion, or their underwear selections. These men and women cannot (or will not) respond to the cues of discomfort around them as they continue to prattle on about themselves.

Somatic narcissists have a marked intolerance for any imperfection in their partner. Once imperfection is acknowledged, it means the end of the fantasy of perfection.

While cerebral narcissists may tend to end their relationships with cutting words or a long diatribe of reasons, somatic narcissists tend to end their relationships with a flurry of high drama. Narcissists will make sure that their partners know how they've suffered in the relationship and, ironically, how they haven't received the compassion and empathy they deserve.

Rokelle Lerner is one of the most sought after speakers and trainers on relationships, women's issues and addicted family systems. She has inspired audiences throughout the world with her ability to address difficulties with insight, humor, and astounding clarity.


She has received numerous awards for her work with children and families including Esquire Magazine's "Top 100 Women in the U.S. Who Are Changing the Nation."  Rokelle has been an advisor and consultant with foreign governments, US agencies, corporations, schools and hundreds of individuals on relationships, boundary issues and addiction. She is also co-founder and consultant to Children Are People, Inc., a program used in thousands of schools throughout the country. Rokelle has appeared as a guest consultant on numerous television shows such as Oprah, Good Morning America, CBS Morning News and 20/20. Her articles and interviews have been featured in the Washington Post, New York Times, Newsweek, Time, People Magazine and Parents Magazine.

Rokelle has published the best selling books, Living in the Comfort Zone: The Gift of Boundaries in Relationships, Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Affirmations for the Inner Child. Her latest book is The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Narcissists and Their Relationships. Ms. Lerner facilitates the InnerPath Retreats for Cottonwood de Tucson in Arizona.

Narcissists & Their Relationships by Rokelle Lerner

In 1958, Bill Wilson in the newsletter The Grapevine said, "the first job in recovery is sobriety, the second is emotional recovery." We all know that sobriety is quite different than recovery. Recovery means finding a way of living that works; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sadly, many can get sober, but are still left with behaviors that don't disappear with treatment or sobriety. In fact, sometimes the qualities of entitlement and contempt are worse after treatment than before. It's for this reason I wrote a book on narcissism and how it relates to addiction recovery.

We are all aware of the term "King Baby." Although the image conjured up by this phrase is someone who's arrogant, snobbish, demanding, and aloof, the truth is that these are the very men who feel painfully inferior inside. In fact, the more a person displays this "kingly" behavior, the more second-rate he feels. These addicts/alcoholics are hiding tremendous shame with their pride. Feelings of entitlement, grandiosity, and contempt are a part of the disease of addiction. For someone living with a narcissistic addict or alcoholic, the devastation caused by addiction coupled with narcissistic traits feels insurmountable.

An addict has difficulty coping with the normal frustrations of life. The "king," however, because of his feeling of omnipotence and impatience, is constantly creating unnecessary roadblocks by storming ahead despite the cost. The narcissistic alcoholic shouldn't have to be bothered with recovery and may see the fellowship as trivial and boring; that is, unless he's in charge. He has little staying power for sobriety and expects quick results. Since recovery is one day at a time, and the surrender to the notion of powerlessness is tantamount to recovery, the prognosis is questionable, but not hopeless. There's always the chance that he'll pick up a sponsor who has some good recovery from addiction as well as entitlement.

Bob Brissette in his lecture at Hazelden in 1971 gave the following description of "king baby."
"Like babies, alcoholics assume that the world is our little private oyster. We tyrannize our homes, our wives, and our children: we demand meals to be served before there has been an opportunity to prepare them. Then we throw tantrums if everything isn't done thoroughly. We demand that food be of our choice, not the family's choice. We demand that our TV program be tuned in, not the family's program. And we deserve this, we tell ourselves--didn't we work hard all day down at the office? What if we did have five coffee breaks, a three-martini lunch that lasted 'til 2:45, and a couple of long, warm counseling sessions with that pretty girl employee who told us how kind and understanding we were. He's adept at twisting knives, cutting people up and humiliating them and making them frightened and insecure about their jobs. And he does this because it makes him feel better; it makes him feel more powerful."

I would be remiss if I didn't point out that the king baby has a female counterpart called the "Queen." Although we rarely speak about this female counterpart, some women possess these characteristics in spades. We all know those females that sweep into the room a half-hour late and demand that everyone must drop what they're doing and notice her. Her great need is to be the constant center of attention wherever she is. Frequently she speaks and laughs in a loud voice and assumes that what she has to say is absolutely fascinating--but it isn't. If the queen feels like granting you a sexual favor, you are expected to be grateful to her to your death for having had the privilege of romancing her. She demands absolute respect from her family and children. She whines and whimpers when all of her demands are not met promptly. (And whining, by the way, is anger coming through a tiny opening.) She feels entitled to proper gratitude for your having the privilege of serving her.

The queen is in deadly competition with her daughters. When they get to be teenagers and mom is starting to sag a little, an ugly, hateful battle develops between the queen and her children. Like the king, she sees other people as things, not as human beings or equals. To her, people are objects to be terrorized, bullied, and manipulated into loving, serving, and being loyal to her.

If you're reading this and diagnosing yourself or your loved ones as narcissists, please stop! Everyone is a bit narcissistic and only a caring, empathic therapist can make this diagnosis. Also, we need to have compassion for those that have this disorder. For the most part, narcissism is developed from an upbringing of trauma and neglect. However, since entitlement is such a part of the disease of addiction, emotional recovery means that we must do a fearless inventory on how our behavior affects others. Only then do our relationships begin to thrive.

Rokelle Lerner is one of the most sought after speakers and trainers on relationships, women's issues and addicted family systems. She has inspired audiences throughout the world with her ability to address difficulties with insight, humor, and astounding clarity.

She has received numerous awards for her work with children and families including Esquire Magazine's "Top 100 Women in the U.S. Who Are Changing the Nation." Rokelle has been an advisor and consultant with foreign governments, US agencies, corporations, schools and hundreds of individuals on relationships, boundary issues and addiction. She is also co-founder and consultant to Children Are People, Inc., a program used in thousands of schools throughout the country. Rokelle has appeared as a guest consultant on numerous television shows such as Oprah, Good Morning America, CBS Morning News and 20/20. Her articles and interviews have been featured in the Washington Post, New York Times, Newsweek, Time, People Magazine and Parents Magazine.

Rokelle has published the best selling books, Living in the Comfort Zone: The Gift of Boundaries in Relationships, Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Affirmations for the Inner Child. Her latest book is The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Narcissists and Their Relationships. Ms. Lerner also facilitates the InnerPath Retreats for Cottonwood de Tucson in Arizona.